No, That’s Not Normal: Part 2 - Let’s Get You Back to Feeling Good
Alright, fam, welcome back to Part 2! Last time, we broke down the difference between vaginismus and vulvodynia — two conditions that can leave you wondering, “Is it me, or is something really wrong?” Spoiler alert: it’s not you, and you don’t have to suffer in silence. Today, we’re diving into what you can actually do to make things better, because pain during sex ain’t your destiny.
So, let’s talk solutions, because you deserve to enjoy that sweet connection with your partner without cringing, clenching, or low-key dreading it.
Step 1: Start the Conversation (Yeah, It’s Awkward, But It’s Worth It)
First things first: If you’ve been dealing with pain, it’s time to have a heart-to-heart with your partner. I know, it can feel weird bringing up something that seems so personal, but trust me, being open is key to getting support. Here’s a little cheat code: Start the conversation outside of the bedroom. No pressure, just honesty.
Try this:
“Hey babe, I’ve been feeling some pain during sex, and I’m worried about it. I really want us to have a great time together, but I think we need to figure out what’s going on.”
Boom. You’ve opened the door. Now you’re both on the same page, and it’s not just you carrying the weight of it alone.
Step 2: Make Friends with Your Body
Sis, I’m gonna say it straight — sometimes, pain during sex comes down to not being comfortable with your own body. Whether you’re new to sex or been married a while, if you’re tensing up because of anxiety or insecurity, it’s gonna hurt. Period.
Take some time to get to know your body. Use a mirror, your hands, whatever helps you feel more comfortable. Figure out what feels good for you before you try to communicate that to your partner. And don’t forget: lube is your bestie. Sometimes, dryness is the simple culprit, especially if you’re nervous or just had a long day.
Pro tip: Water-based lubes are generally great, but if you’re looking for something longer-lasting, silicone-based lube can change the game (just don’t use it with silicone toys).
Step 3: Try Out Some Exercises (Yes, You Can Train for This!)
If vaginismus is the issue, there are exercises that can help you retrain those muscles to relax. One option is pelvic floor therapy, which you can do with a trained therapist or on your own. Using dilators can also help you get used to the sensation of penetration gradually and comfortably.
If you’re dealing with vulvodynia, you might need a different approach. Focus on desensitizing the area with gentle touch (using a soft cloth, warm baths, or even just your fingertips). It’s all about retraining your nerves to stop sounding the alarm every time you get close.
Pro tip: If you’re not sure where to start, look into guided programs or apps that can walk you through these exercises in a way that feels safe and comfortable.
Step 4: Seek Professional Help (No Shame, Just Solutions)
Let’s be real — sometimes, this stuff is beyond what you can fix on your own, and that’s okay! There are doctors, sex coaches, and therapists who specialize in helping people with exactly these issues. A pelvic floor therapist can teach you specific exercises, while a sex coach can help you navigate the mental and emotional side of things.
Don’t know where to start? Try talking to your gynecologist first. They can refer you to specialists who can really dig into what’s going on.
Step 5: Explore What Feels Good (It’s Time to Redefine Pleasure)
Okay, this is where it gets fun. If you’ve been dealing with pain, it might be time to rethink how you and your partner approach intimacy. Explore other types of touch, play around with massage, or focus on what feels good outside of penetration. There’s a whole world of pleasure out there — don’t limit yourself!
Your Turn to Connect
New to this: What’s something you’ve been curious to try but haven’t mentioned to your partner yet? Now’s your chance to spice things up while you’re figuring out what works for you both.
Long-time married couples: Is there a part of your sexual routine that feels a little stale? Maybe it’s time to switch things up and explore new ways to connect that don’t put pressure on penetration.
Take the time to check in with each other. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be honest about where you’re at and what you both need.
Let's Hear from You!
Have you tried any of these tips? What’s worked for you, and what’s still a struggle? Drop your thoughts in the comments below or DM me if you’re not ready to share publicly. Let’s keep this conversation going, because nobody should have to deal with pain in silence.
And remember: Pain during sex is not your normal, sis. You deserve a healthy, pleasurable, and fulfilling sex life.
Stay blessed, stay informed, and keep that communication open! 💜
